As I am drawn further and further into this tangled, distracting, completely derailing experience of dealing with people's deepest woulds and the most abrasive personalities imaginable...I am finding that more and more outlets are not mere luxuries, but necessities, for me to cling to my shredding sanity.  My schedule has been arranged and rearranged to try and make space for the friends in my life who are more than proximital forces, but the real people who matter, and who will be there, and who i want to be there.  This step is difficult.  Sometimes it's hard to separate the chaff from the wheat. 
The next step is the foundational life expectancies.  Regular meals, regular sleep and regular exercise.  My favorite part of this one is the yoga classes I can somehow justify.  They stop my racing brain and allow me to focus in on the present, which is increasingly difficult for me, ironically.  Wouldn't one assume that with more age and maturity, one learns how to be in the present more fully? 
The last, and perhaps the step that should be first is the complete surrender of this life and all it is and is not.  I have found myself questioning and wavering and doubting and frenetically thinking more and more lately.  This is most normally a signal of my distance in my spiritual life.  Lately, I have found myself unraveled more and more easily due to smaller and smaller triggers.  Sickness, car repairs, house repairs, new job and the list goes on keep me distracted and restless.  It is so easy to get caught up in this.  It is easy for this to become my entire world.  But if I believe what I say I believe...what I love to trust in, then these mere blips in my life are not my world.  And while they need attention, they do not need to ferment in my mind. 
My needs are deep.  The people i know, there needs are deep.  There is a depth to answer it if we call out.

For the time being I am fed up with lamenting my personal tendencies.  I don't even feel the normal pull to apologize for the way I am.  I like who i am most days, but don't expect others to be normally. 
But not tonight.  Tonight I am unapologetic.

I am on a quiet rampage.  How dare people not give me the respect I give them.  Why would someone try to judge or critique me when I would do all that I could to avoid doing that to them?  Why is it with this openness that I attempt to live with often leads me wide open for hurt? Even though I abhor this trait, I see myself giving and hoping that someone catches the hint that I want to get back.  I believe in direct communication.  I believe in asking for what you want.  But what happens when you ask for what you want and you still don't get it?

What happened to you get what you give?
 
Yes, I'm playing the victim, and yes that's how I feel right now. Deal.

I am realizing that these juvenile notions of someday everything falling together doesn't ever really work. And while that doesn't make my desire for things to just work go away, I can resign myself to the fact that life is chaotic.  But the problem with that is the inevitable, healthy desire for limits.  Boundaries, if you will.  How chaotic do you let it be before intervention?  When you do intervene, how do you do so?  If your intervention doesn't work, then what?  Huh? 

Why does it feel like i'm pushing against the current when i express my desire to live fully?  Is it true that there are two types of people in the world?  Ones that settle and ones that can't?

I feel so many things...some good, some bad, but i am still compelled to feel it more.  Not that I haven't been knocked and know that I will be knocked again but i want to live a life full of the irrational, rich, lovely things that make me glad to be alive.  Giggling, dancing, watching rainstorms (for no good reason), wearing audacious colors, saying difficult things, not  following celebrity gossip or buying brand names.  Not basing happiness and worth on being 'perfect' by the larger society's standards but choosing to base it on healthy, achievable measures.  Choosing not to set myself up for disappointment.  These things are very possible, but I feel so odd for feeling it so strongly, when it is clear that many, many others do not share that same desire.  Is there anyone out there?

I have roommates now.  Real, live, serious roommates who don't leave 15 bags of used kitty litter on the balcony.

And I have hope again, that my home could be warm and safe...a haven.  As well as wildly, radically open and tolerant...hospitable.  There is a ying to the yang, and it is achievable.  And to you nay-sayers, I will tell you to keep your nay-saying to yourself and come over for chicken haryali.

I was talking to a friend today who reminded me of how quickly I have abandoned these philosophies I used to embrace so fully.  There are several things that are absolutely essential to the quality of life, not simply 'getting by' (the idea of which leaves a taste of sawdust in my mouth).  Henceforth is my list...nevermore to be forgotten. (Or at least, not for an undisclosed amount of time until my emotions take over my body).

 1.  I believe in processing, and journalling...for me especially, it is important to force myself to have quiet time to reflect, or  my thoughts tend to ferment in my mind, and don't end up making anything good.  And my thoughts are too much, too intrusive, too repetitive to impose on anyone...even the strongest of heart.  Half the things I don't mean initially, but feel like they will explode my organs inside of me if I don't let them out.  I am aware that this sounds dramatic, but it truly does feel that way to me.  Journalling.

2. Dreaming. I love thinking about what I want and what i don't want and for me it has no bearing on whether I will get there or not.  This applies to traveling, cooking, lifestyle in general, home decor..etc.  It is a favorite and dare i say necessary past-time to engage, even if it is impractical and illogical.  For example, I need to distract my ever running mind from the problems of today to dream about how I would decorate my dining room with this table...

and paint the living room cobalt blue.

and constantly dress up as a pirate. with the habits of macgyver and chuck norris with a stance in non-violence.

3. Silliness.  Before my time, I have thrust myself into the professional world.  And I do love it.  I love what I do and how I do it and even though my emotions betray me at times, I feel right in that place.  However, it leaves precious little space for utter silliness.  For spontaneous dance parties and accents and skipping and craft time and giggling about poop and boys and having intense discussions about whether dolphins have dialects.

4. detachment.  a healthy ability to note my own finite abilities and see it not as a limitation, but a means of measuring what i should be trying to do and what i simply should let go of.

5.  Savoring:  More time to simply enjoy.  The wind, the flowers, the smells, cooking, food, smiles exchanged...not constant anticipation for what's next.  Being in the moment, and savoring it for what it is, even if it's not spectacular. being able to find enjoyment in everyday, no matter how small, how insignificant.

And this, my friends, is a change that i am looking forward to. 

there it was. arepas. a tiny little narrow restaurant i skirted into knowing that i parked too close to the fire hydrant. beyond hungry, working for twelve hours straight and exhausted, physically and emotionally, i plunked down on the stool and slid open a menu from the pile.  it looked delicious. i was so hungry.

i chose the one with black beans and plantains and pork shoulder simmered for hours. soon i was encased by sauces, sweet basil, carrot mayo, mojito (which was this amazing savory mint mayo), pina colada, and an avocado sauce, heavy on the cilantro that i can't remember the name of.  I huddled over the tile counter in the recessed lighting by the cash register and eagerly awaited my food.  And I was not disappointed.  This food was...alive, and the texture and simplicity and sauce and authenticity of the ingredients would have made me silent even if i hadn't been stuffing my face as quickly as possible.  the warm chef, dressed in a burnt orange chef jacket reflected his warmth and passion for food as he said 'it brings me joy to see you getting so messy and loving your food'  i thought in my head, it's about time a male appreciated that about me.  he followed this arepa phenomenon with a sweet corn flan that was the perfect size, the perfect sweetness with just a twist of unexpectedness to make it worth my while. 

i am in love with food.